so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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