I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize
