What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
so thats when we found her crawling hands and knees up first street singing hold me closer tony danza as loud as she could
did she say where she was going
apparently she thought she was on morton hill and was trying to go back to the bars
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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