his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Once again I am on the toilet and refuse to get up
What a great time to reflect on life
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
