DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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