i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
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