Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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