My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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