My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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