the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
