I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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