You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
