he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
Randomize
