mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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