why im i the only drunk person in the library?
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
