My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
