Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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