he thought i was a dude.
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
