So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
