i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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