If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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