She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Well, you're 18 and dating a 28 year old. Who has a wife. Who isn't you. I would guess that's why your mom frowns upon the relationship.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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