He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
