a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
