I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
