I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize