I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
