remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
High as balls & about to be tanning. Helloooo 15 minute vacay.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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