I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I am available for nakedness
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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