brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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