Non-Jews are for practice
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
