I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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