Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
where am i from again
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
i threw up on the blunt... he was pissed.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
