Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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