Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
two words: eviction party
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Randomize
