He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Randomize
