I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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