At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize