Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
