Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
