seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
