come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
i was born a porn star she said
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
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