I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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