You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize