Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
i just called my dad a bottom. he agreed
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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