I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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