Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Drunk is not a location!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
