I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
