He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
