i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Randomize
