if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
