i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
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