You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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