I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Randomize
