True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
