Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
if only i could text you this smell
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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