If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
