Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
