Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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