he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
