there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
