So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
