If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
