I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Randomize
