my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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